3 Ways To Buy A House That Are All Just Pretending You’re White

Hey potential homeowneristas! Tired of logging in to Instagram every day to see yet another melanin-deficient friend smugly holding a set of keys, grinning in a way that conveys, “Yeah, I’m better than you AND I’ll always choose the show”? Well, fret no more! Join the league of pale millennials who just are obsessed with debt with these three ways to buy a house that are all just pretending you’re white.

  1. Get Really Into Holidays
    Nothing impresses home sellers more than the thought of their old abode covered roof to foundation with plastic knick knacks that scream, “I hate my job and this is my only solace”. While people of all races celebrate holidays, white people make every holiday their Superbowl (including the Superbowl)! This level of dedication and demonstrative whiteness will be a surefire way to impress without any racial stress!

2. Virtue Signal On Social Media
Industry secret – home sellers go to your social media to learn more about you as a part of their consideration! Category is stalker realness and you can slay the runway with some vague condemnation of the American political system and how you are glad you posted that black square that one day for Black people. This caucasity will translate as you are someone who can manage a house since you’ll have a lot of time for upkeep while you avoid doing anything real for a cause!

3. Be White
Be the best method actor you can be and just be white! Your dedication to being white will definitely put you a step above the rest as relators have been trained and conditioned to see that the fairer the skin, the fairer to treat a person! History will dazzle as it repeats itself and will favor a system that is corrupt but is presented as “well, I worked hard and I shouldn’t be punished because I put in the work and of course that is the only thing in consideration, Jamal, like why does everything have to be about race and besides I’m not racist – I saw Green Book. In theaters”.

So, there you have it! Three easy, breezy, mayonnaisey ways that you can buy a house by doing the simple yet soul crushing task of pretending to be white! Happy trails!