Causing intense consternation and an overwhelming sense of unease deep in the pit of Midwesterners’ stomachs, the flavor of the day at all 808 Culver’s locations in the United States is “just vanilla”.
“When I drove past the Anoka Culver’s and saw the sign, an unexplainable darkness filled my soul so I immediately pulled over to find out if maybe this was some kind of special fancy vanilla with little vanilla chunks or drizzles but nope. Just vanilla,” said Culver’s fan Joe Hansen as a sharp shiver went down his spine, “I don’t know what it is but something is very wrong here.”
Another frequent Culver’s patron, Denise Olson of Eau Claire, says that when she noticed her local restaurant was advertising plain vanilla, she felt compelled to drive to every location she could find to see for herself if this strange phenomenon was widespread.
“It’s everywhere. Oh god. It’s happening everywhere. I’ve been driving for three hours. Every single one is just vanilla. I think I’m going to be sick,” said Olson, echoing what millions across the nation are feeling in this strange and uncertain time.
So far, no one knows why the beloved burger and frozen custard chain would offer regular old vanilla as their flavor of the day. Corporate’s phone lines appear to be down. Franchise managers seem to be just as confused as the general public. Theories include that there is a severe supply chain disruption, that CEO Joe Koss is punishing the public for some unknown reason, or that Culver’s has been the target of Russian hackers.
At press time, the governors of Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, and Illinois were preparing to give a televised speech reassuring the panicked region that this is not the End Times.