ITASCA COUNTY — Bashfully covering his face with his paws, a 10-month-old black bear cub in the forests of northern Minnesota can’t believe his mother would embarrass him in front of all his friends by violently mauling a hiker’s face off.
“Come on, Mom. Stop,” said the cub, as his mother viciously slashed at the man’s torso with her powerful 2-inch long claws, “you’re being so awkward right now.”
The cub’s mother reportedly attacked the man when he wandered too close to her cub even though, according to her son, he is “old enough to hang out with my friends without you babysitting me. GOD.”
As the attack went on for several gruesome minutes, the bear cub repeatedly tried to distract his friends from his mom’s humiliating helicopter parenting by trying to change the conversation to salmon. However, the violence proved far too entertaining to the other cubs.
“Oh my god. This is hilarious, I can’t believe this is happening right now” said one of the cub’s friends, “we are never going to let him live this down.”
At press time, the mother had stopped attacking and her cub was wiping away tears of embarrassment and acting like nothing had happened, saying with unconvincing pep “so anyways, let’s go find some honey!”.