Fed up Department of Health Services (DHS) Officials are urging Wisconsin residents to “Just stop whatever they’re doing at the moment and do the exact opposite”.
The new recommendations were announced midway through a recent press conference held to warn Wisconsinites about the dangers of uncooked “cannibal” sandwiches, a dish popular in parts of the state.
Sources say DHS Assistant Secretary Eric Boseman, who looked haggard from the start with noticeable bags under his eyes, stopped midway through his presentation after flipping to a slide in his powerpoint with the header “Reasons Not To Eat Raw Ground Beef”. Boseman reportedly let out a long-winded sigh and exclaimed “You know what? Fuck it.”
“Actually, Wisconsin – stop whatever the hell you’re doing. Just stop it right now,” said Boseman, loudly shutting his laptop and gathering his papers. “Whether you are biting into a still-living cow, coughing directly into someone’s face, or setting off fireworks while driving an ATV blindfolded – whatever it is, it’s safe to say you should stop it immediately and do the opposite. That’s our new health advice – just stop, for the love of God.”
Boseman and his coworkers then shuffled out of the room with their heads in their hands.
Less than an hour after his announcement, the Wisconsin DHS had updated their website with the new recommendations.
“Statistics show that if you live in Wisconsin, whatever you are eating, drinking, doing, or even thinking right now is almost certainly detrimental to your health,” states an update on the DHS website, “you can vastly improve your own wellbeing and that of your community by doing the opposite”.
The site also features a Frequently Asked Questions page that helps Wisconsin residents who may have questions about what the opposite of whatever they’re presently doing could be.
For instance, “the opposite of hotboxing cigarettes and listening to Coldplay in your Honda Civic with a dozen of your out-of-state cousins is: taking a nice walk alone while listening to something pleasant”.
The site also states “the opposite of drinking a dozen blended Taco Bell Doritos Locos tacos out of a glass boot to get likes on YouTube is: deleting the app from your phone and drinking some water out of a regular cup instead.”
The DHS says they hope to raise awareness by introducing lime green bracelets that read “#stopit” to their online store and sending “Larry the Opposite Bear”, a man in a bear costume wearing a tuxedo backwards, to give hip-hop presentations in schools across the state.