Opinion: MN Secretary of State: ‘You Fuckers Better Vote’

Listen up, jaggoffs! It’s me, Steve-Motherfucking-Simon, Minnesota’s-Motherfucking-Secretary of State. The next day-and-a-half is your last goddamn chance to get off your lazy asses and vote, you dickwads.

Why do I care if you troglodytes participate in the democratic process? First off, as the elected official responsible for administering the state’s elections, it is literally my job to tell all of you rancid shit-stains to turn off the TV, and get your dusty asses into a voting booth. The more people cast ballots the more the results of the election represent the will of the public. So if any one of you piss poor excuses for citizens forgets to bubble in your preferred candidate because you fell asleep while eating an entire bag of Bugles in one sitting, then that undermines the legitimacy of the results. Is what I am saying getting through your collectively thick skulls?

Now, I know you probably haven’t been paying attention because y’all are barely literate ignorant knuckledraggers, but this election is important. The results will determine the direction of your fucking city, your fucking state, and your fucking country. To rephrase it in a way that you lobotomized cretins will understand, it is like voting for American Idol, except Clay Aiken decides whether or not you get healthcare.

What more do you scumbags need to remember to take a measly 10 minutes to vote?

What’s that? Oh, you, don’t know where your poling place is? Well guess, what? You can follow this link and find where you can go vote. Pretty cool right? That’s because I made it for you shitkickers, because I, unlike you jag wads, do my goddamn job. Don’t know what’s on your ballot. Well guess what chucklefucks, I have a goddamn website that tell you exactly what’s on your ballot. You might as well start building a monument to me now, you dinguses. Not registered? Well, dummy, Minnesota passed a law to help you procrastinating asshats out so you can register at the polling place on election day. You can thank me by actually bringing your dense head into a voting booth.

Don’t know what you need to bring to vote? We thought of that too, because we knew all you piles of literal garbage wouldn’t know what to do. You’re welcome.

Do you want a medal? Take all the stickers that you want, you attention-seeking douchebags! I don’t give a flying fuck!