Opinion: Why I’ve Given Up On Mainstream Media And Turned To This Bag Of Loose Teeth Instead

I used to be a person who turned to the mainstream giants in order to stay informed on current events — CNN, FOX, NBC, etc. But the last few years have shown we can’t be sure that newsmakers have the public’s best interest at heart. Whether it was bad-faith political endorsements done to boost ratings, or manipulative spins that relied on misinformation, I felt let down by mainstream media. That’s why I stole this bag of loose teeth from a dentist and rely on it as my sole source of information about the state of the world. 

While the mainstream media invades our world 24/7, I choose when I want to pull out my bag of loose teeth and scatter them in the streets. I’m the one who consults this ancient tome of esoteric knowledge in order to identify auspicious signs and omens. Two molars and an incisor grouped together? Looks like hurricane Merrill is about to hit Alabama. A canine’s roots facing away from three upturned teeth? Stock market prices will plummet . A wisdom tooth falls into a storm drain? That clearly means that the Secretary of State of Idaho resigned over a sex scandal. You can’t get this kind of direct information from cable news networks.  

So I get it. We want to turn to the glossy, high budget media that both soothes our opinions and inflames our fight or flight instincts. But in our current climate, can we really trust them over a handful of molars? I don’t think so, and that’s why the news source I turn to is this bag of loose teeth. So, my fellow Americans, I implore you: find that box of baby teeth your mom saved, or pull your chompers directly from your own skull—  they may be the last real source of news we have left.