Report: You Don’t Know Just How Badly Hopkins Man Needs this Barcade Golf Simulator

Original photo by Corey Dupree & Italo Melo

HOPKINS – In the back of the West metro barcade Sip & Swish lies the answer to all of Hopkins resident David Baumann’s prayers–a golf simulator. 

“Yeah, I feel like that new barcade golf simulator is going to be pretty cool, I guess,” Baumann shared with The Nordly, his voice trembling with barely contained yearning. “Might be fun to just hit some birdies with my buddies every once in a while, or something” he continued, his eyes beginning to mist at the mere thought of it.

Sip & Swish employee, Zane Wheeler, is all too aware of Mr. Baumann’s fixation on their new golf simulator. 

“When the worker guys came in to install it a couple weeks back, I noticed that there was a guy who would half-heartedly play like Spider Stompin’ or Big Buck Hunter-Reloaded while staring at the golf simulator” Wheeler said. “After a couple of days he literally straight up stood a few feet back and watched them, Slenderman-style, no cap. Absolutely 0 rizz, just like stalker-maxxing that simulator. When they’d look up at him, he’d pretend to tie his shoe or like, check the doorframe going into the bathroom.” 

Baumann’s longtime girlfriend, Keely Andersen, is also keenly aware of his fixation on Sip & Swish’s newest arcade addition. 

“I was freaking out thinking that he was cheating on me for like a week,” Andersen shared. “He would be looking at his phone and smiling and then would kind of hide it when I’d ask what he was looking at. He accidentally left his phone unlocked when he went to the bathroom and I took my chance. I looked at his search history and it was just one page for a golf game at that new sports bar, which honestly, I would’ve preferred him cheating on me.” 

Despite his detractors, there is nothing holding Baumann back from Sip & Swish’s golf simulator, which will be open to the public this Friday. 

“Yeah, I’ll probably get around to hitting a few balls in there,” Baumann said, his shallow breath fogging up the glass of Sip & Swish’s front doors. “But yeah, we’ll see, I guess,” his hand tracing the image of a heart in the remaining condensation, encircling the view of the golf simulator.