So It Begins: This Fish Living In The Wreck Of The SS Edmund Fitzgerald Just Realized It Can Sublet A Room For A Little Extra Cash

Photo by alan berning

In a major social development with potentially massive implications for the future of fishkind, a deepwater sculpin living in the wreck of the SS Edmund Fitzgerald has just figured out it can sublet parts of the infamous ship’s remains to other fish in exchange for monthly payments of mysid crustaceans, the fish’s favorite food.

The sculpin in question, a mature 6-year-old female measuring 4 inches long, has lived in the stern of the Fitzgerald wreck for the majority of her life in an effort to hide from her natural predator – the lake trout. While swimming around one of the ship’s several dining rooms at approximately 7:32 PM, neurons in the fish’s poppy seed-sized brain fired in an unprecedentedly complex sequence, forming a thought scientists believe is roughly translatable to “you know what? I should charge some poor sucker mad moolah to stay here.”

“I’ve never seen anything like this in all my years of study,” said ichthyologist Alana Thiel, “but being contemptible blood-sucking parasites on society has proved a successful survival strategy in at least one other part of the animal kingdom.”

Since the fish’s groundbreaking thought, things have progressed rapidly. Several fish desperate to hide from predators have taken up her offer and she’s already raised their rent three times citing ‘market rates’ and ‘inflation’. One of the fish living in the ship’s galley has reached out to his new landlord about a broken porthole window and she responded by saying she’ll send a fish out on Monday but as of this article’s publication, she has not done so. She’s also hired a small private force of lampreys to defend her perceived property rights. 

“There are many ways this could end and none of them are good. At this rate, by next week, this fish could be a feudal lord, a queen, or the pope of some sort of new fish religion meant to justify her elevated position in Fitzgerald wreck society” said Michigan Department of Natural Resources Director Daniel Eichinger, “on the flip side, the tenants could develop class consciousness, overthrow their oppressor, and initiate socialism in which case we may have to send a few agents down there to sort things out…”