Strong, Resolute Jacob Frey Demands Minneapolis Police Union Let Him Go To Bed An Hour Later Tonight
Photo by Chad Davis
MINNEAPOLIS — Radiating fortitude and tenacity, Mayor Jacob Frey took a bold stance today by demanding in no uncertain terms that the Minneapolis Police Union stand down and allow him to go to bed an hour late tonight.
“On behalf of the city of Minneapolis, I hereby insist that you, the Police Officers Federation of Minneapolis, yield to the will of the people and allow me to go to bed an hour late so I can watch X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” said Frey, sweat pouring from his brow, “also I’m gonna need one of your Hulu passwords”.
Frey then fiercely criticized the controversial police organization using the most incendiary language of his career to date, declaring “you’ve overstepped your authority for the last time”, “11 o’clock isn’t even that late”, and “have some goddamn respect for X-Men Origins: Wolverine. It’s easily the most underrated film of the 2000s.”
“Sure. Whatever,” responded a police union spokesperson, adding “we’re still on for lunch Monday?”
To which Frey responded, “Absolutely!”
At press time, the mayor had come to his senses, turned off his TV a reasonable 25 minutes before his designated bedtime of 10 pm, and started handwriting an apology note.