Study: Ancient Markings Near Minnehaha Falls Suggest Humans Once Hunted 30 Foot Tall Penises

MINNEAPOLIS — A new survey of rock art near Minnehaha Falls suggests that prehistoric humans in what is today Minnesota may have once hunted a species of enormous, 30 foot tall penises.

The study’s authors, a group of archaeologists from the University of Chicago, discovered and cataloged dozens of penis drawings on the bluffs surrounding Minnehaha Falls, suggesting they were at one time abundant, likely traveling the plains in large herds.

“We noticed several versions of these creatures, probably representing different subspecies,” said archaeologist Dr. Simon Gilbert, “there were hairy penis creatures, smooth ones, circumcised and uncircumcised ones. A vibrant and colorful ecosystem indeed.”

“Whatever culture took the time to produce these images must have highly revered these creatures, relying on them heavily for sustenance especially in winter months,” said art historian David Kariuki, “we even found one image of a man opening his mouth as if to eat one whole, which is likely a symbolic scene meant to highlight the dependence of humanity as a whole on the nourishment provided by these enormous roaming penises”.

“One unusual pictograph shows what appears to be the English letters ‘L + H’ inside the shape of a heart,” said anthropologist Dr. Nadia Briggs, “these might be symbols representing the name of a famed penis creature hunter within the community. If so, this would be the first example of hieroglyphs anywhere in the world.”

The study theorizes that, lacking legs, the animals likely propelled themselves forward by hopping several feet off the ground utilizing specialized muscles inside their testicle-like appendages, a process that would have required enormous upper body strength in order to allow their heads to stay upright. Some evidence also suggests they may have even shot large droplets of a possibly poisonous liquid at high speeds from a hole in the top of their heads, as a potent defense mechanism.  

Despite the group’s extensively researched findings, however, there have been several prominent voices demanding a reconsideration of the evidence.

“They’re literally just dicks,” said Kaden Dahl, a 16-year-old skateboarding enthusiast who hangs out in Minnehaha Park, “and they’re pretty funny.”

Dahl’s conclusions prompted a scathing response by one of the original study’s co-authors, Dr. Sadie Schroeder, in the most recent issue of the ‘Journal of North American Archaeology’.

“I’d like Mr. Dahl to explain exactly what is so funny about the total extinction of an entire species of dignified creatures that just happen to look like enormous erect penises,” wrote Dr. Schroeder, “he probably thinks the pictograph we found of an ancient precursor to the modern ladder next to two snakes is simply the English word ‘ASS’. Ludicrous!”

The study’s authors say their next project will be looking into the mind-blowing implications of an additional piece of nearby rock art that seems to depict an extraterrestrial being imbibing cannabis.