This Year’s Hottest Spring Break Destination: Errands with Your Mom Because You’re 12

MAPLE GROVE — Get ready for a week of hardcore, high-waisted fun! This year’s most popular spring break destination is not Cozumel or Cocoa Beach, but Cub Foods—because oh yeah, you’re only 12 years old and Mom needs you to run errands. Buckle up! 

“I’m so pumped to go to Target, the dry cleaners, and especially the DMV,” says seventh-grader Kyle Peterson. “And if we’re feeling crazy, we’ll even go back to Target because Mom forgot to buy Dad’s favorite antifungal ointment! Hell yeah!”

Instead of hopping on a plane and strolling on sunny beaches, tween minors across the state will ride in their family’s rusty minivan listening to Mom’s Christian rock station, then spend hours under the florescent lights of the Maple Grove Walmart to stock up on Benadryl, Tide Pods, and family-sized refills of unscented hand soap. And rather than spending $25 on a single margarita, they’ll help Mom use her coupons to score big on Walgreens-brand flavored seltzer water for only $3.99 a case. 

“The parking lots are filling up fast, and with good reason,” says Peterson, who couldn’t talk long because his mom was leaving in five minutes. “Honestly, who needs Cancun when you have Costco?”