‘We Were Getting Too Close’, Atlanta Falcons Sign Kirk Cousins To Alleviate Threat of Playing in Super Bowl

ATLANTA, GA — Despite last year’s dismal 7-10 record, the Atlanta Falcons saw many positives heading into the 2024 NFL season: a hard-hitting defense, an explosive, young offensive core, and playing in the weakest division football. 

“It was all lining up for us to get close to that elusive Super Bowl,” said team owner Arthur Blank, “and that’s one thing we didn’t want, so we immediately signed Kirk Cousins.”

“I’m under enough pressure as it is,” said Falcon GM Terry Fontenot, gulping down gallons of Southern Comfort and Tums. “We’ve got eight selections in the draft, for chrissakes! A couple of those pan out and suddenly we’re getting our asses kicked by Patrick Mahomes on the biggest stage in the world! I begged Mr. Blank to do whatever it took to keep the Falcons from even sniffing a Super Bowl. And he delivered big-time with Kirk.”

New Falcons head coach Raheem Morris agreed with his bosses. “I learned my lesson as a defensive coach with the Rams watching Matthew Stafford win us a Super Bowl in 2021. Stay away from strong quarterbacks who lead your team to success. Then expectations are crazy high. Fuck that shit.”

“Kirk is going to Kirk,” said Blank. “And I was proud to write a big check so he can keep on Kirking all over Falcons football for years to come.”

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak has been trying to make Duluth funny for 35 years now through the writing, directing, performing and producing of live sketch comedy revues, as well as scripted plays. His current theater company, Rubber Chicken Theater, will be celebrating their 15th birthday in 2023. He also wrote a weekly humor column for the Budgeteer News, creating nearly 400 columns over seven years. He can be found on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook (@rchickentheater). His interests include geocaching, time with family, and singing along loudly and proudly to Barry Manilow, not necessarily in that order.