White Girl Tips: How to Have Sexual Fantasies About Melvin Carter Without It Being Racist!

Look, we’ve all been there. You’re knee-deep in a daydream about Minnesota’s sexiest mayor (sorry, Roger Maki, you’re still Cloquet’s sexiest mayor!) when you realize your implicit bias and generations of racists tropes have casually made their way into the narrative. Did you mean to do that? No, of course not. But you, too, have grown up steeped in 400 years of white privilege in a country built by enslaved people on stolen land. So it’s time to unlearn those habits with three simple tips to reduce bias while still getting hot and bothered by Mr. M.W.C., III.

1. Jacob Frey Test

Here’s an easy trick! Before embarking on your sexual fantasy of the day, check in if the same fantasy can be applied to Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey*. Smooching on top of mayoral memos? Safe! Getting all sweaty together after running together at a sub-8:00 mile pace? Also safe with either mayor! Getting off on making your racist dad mad? Not safe! 

*This simple test may backfire if the thing that gets you off can be both racist and anti-Semitic. In which case, skip ahead to tip three.

2. Focus on the Facts

Here’s a sexy tip! Just focus on facts and your thirst will be eliminated faster than a library fine in St. Paul. What could be sexier than a slight reduction in speed limits in residential neighborhoods? My basement is flooded just thinking about it! That’s not working for you? Then pretend you’re a pile of trash and city garbage trucks—rather than private trash collectors—are coming to pick you up, if you know what I mean. No ballot measure is going to stop you from climaxing. 

If public policy isn’t getting you where you want to go, then begin to really interrogate what is arousing you about these fantasies anyway. Because if it’s not a focus on Mr. Carter’s career, it’s probably a problem. Looks like it’s time for tip number three.

3. Put Your Vibrator Away and Work on Yourself First

Sure, self-pleasure can be a form of self-care, especially during these times when dating is somehow even less safe for women’s health and safety. But if you’re consistently struggling to separate your sexual fantasies from oppressive tropes, maybe it’s time to put down the vibrator and pick up a book. 

And once you finish “White Fragility” and “How To Be Anti-Racist” (without feeling a need to process it with your one Black acquaintance), reward yourself with a sexy escape into any of Jasmine Guillory’s works.

Remember, the best self-care is not at the expense of anyone else. There’s nothing to be ashamed of with finding a handsome mayor attractive, just let it be because he’s accomplished and attractive, not because you don’t know how to handle your internalized sexualization of Black men.