Irate Scott Jensen Confuses Trick-or-Treaters With Furries

CHASKA — Several children left the Chaska Target in tears over the weekend as the result of a bizarre mix-up over Halloween costumes involving GOP gubernatorial candidate Dr. Scott Jensen. 

“He just kept screaming “YOU’RE NOT A CAT!” at my five-year old daughter and called me an enabler,” said Naomi Hayes, whose daughter attends Clover Ridge Elementary, “Her kindergarten class is having a costume party and Ellie and all her friends are going as their favorite animals. Has Dr. Jensen never heard of Halloween?” 

“I didn’t know what to do. He was attempting to block the entire costume section,” said Target store lead Mike Demmer. “When I tried to explain that all Targets have a Halloween section, he said it was just the start of Tim Walz’s litterbox agenda.”

“Of COURSE all Targets have the ‘costumes’,” Jensen reportedly told Demmer, using air quotes around the word ‘costumes.’ “Target’s headquarters are in Minnesota. This is all thanks to Tim Walz. First you give kids headbands with little ears. Then it’s whiskers painted on the face. Before you know it there’s a litterbox in every classroom and everyone is hissing at each other and you have to separate them and introduce them slowly so they get used to one another’s scents!” 

When we reached out to local students for comment, one replied “all we wanted was a gender-neutral bathroom”.