‘I’m Just Afraid of Commitment,’ Says Chaska Woman Who Has Used the Same Password for Everything Since Middle School

CHASKA—34-year-old Michelle Linden is a self-proclaimed commitment-phobe—except when it comes to her password, which she’s used for everything, from her Caribou Perks account to her Roth IRA, ever since creating her first Yahoo Mail account in seventh grade.

“I thought it would be edgy to use ‘password’ as my password, so I did,” she adds. Her password also contains the house number of her childhood crush, Jared.

Linden always ends romantic relationships when they get too serious, freaking out when her partner has the audacity to ask her to meet his parents, split dessert, or tell him her last name. Yet despite getting her identity stolen from hackers who didn’t even have to try hard to guess her login info, she’s always stayed true to PASSWORD301.

All of her friends are married or in long-term relationships, but Linden isn’t jealous. “I don’t want the marriage, the kids, or the house,” says Linden, who can’t get a mortgage loan anyway because she has terrible credit from multiple fraudsters racking up credit card debt in her name. Despite this, and multiple interventions from family and friends, she refuses to change her password.

“I can’t abandon it now. It’s been with me through everything, including that really stressful time someone hacked into my Facebook account, posted a bunch of weird Christian memes, and wired all my savings to a Nigerian prince.”

At press time, Linden was seen looking for Jared at his childhood home—but isn’t looking for anything serious.