Ball Officially in Your Court After College Acquaintance Texts ‘Beers soon?’


MINNEAPOLIS — After receiving the open-ended text message of “Hey man! Beers soon?”  the decision to hang out with Bryan Rodriguez is now squarely on your shoulders as he awaits your response. Bryan, an acquaintance who frequented the same parties as you in college three years ago, sent the text after crossing your path at Target, where he was attempting to return a 2016 Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar.

Bryan, now a Facebook friend that you’ve muted from your newsfeed because his personality has devolved into bathroom selfies and morally questionable content, has spoken to you one-on-one only three times prior to his invitation to grab a couple cold ones. Each conversation, filled with superficial platitudes and toxic machismo, has been a regrettable occurrence. Bryan has also tagged you in several disconcerting memes that read things like, “When she puts you in the friendzone” or “Hillary would have been just as bad, if not worse.”

Bryan’s track record of social outings have been less than pleasant, as his insistence on ordering jägerbombs at 5:30 on weekdays, shadowboxing, and talking about how he could have made it in the UFC if not for his failed drug tests, have routinely left you embarrassed to be seen with him.

Unfortunately for you, the number of excuses you’ve used to get out of hanging with Bryan has dwindled, as you’ve previously committed to several cousins’ birthday parties, an uncle’s funeral, an aunt’s funeral, and three dentist appointments within a nine month span. You’d think he would get the hint.

Bryan was left on “read”.