Help! I Did the Math, and I Was Conceived During the 1991 Halloween Blizzard

MINNEAPOLIS — Nothing scares me more than this time of year, and no, it’s not the living dead or a Donald Trump presidency. It’s the dread that inevitably some friend, neighbor, or Governor Walz will bring up the 1991 Halloween Blizzard. 

Every year, my parents’ friends would share their “where were you?” moments of this natural disaster, which was a snoozefest because I wasn’t alive when it happened. As I got older, I realized that MY parents were always the first to bring it up in conversation… 

That’s when I let curiosity get to me. I was born in the middle of July 1992, and my mother let slip that I was a few weeks premature. That’s when I did the math, which I now  deeply regret. I was conceived during the fabled Halloween Blizzard of ‘91.

It all started to make sense. My parents were fetishizing Halloween! My mother was OVERLY helpful when it came to our costumes. My father? Over time he became obsessed with the weather, bringing up every single natural disaster or weather event as if it was a normal thing for a dad to talk about! 

For those who think I am “overreacting,” I want you to know the personal hell this has created for me. I can’t look at a single Halloween item without wanting to throw up! No, I do not want to go face first, mouth open, and bob for willing fruit. No monster compares to imagining my parents’ Beast With Two Backs. Trick or treat? My parents’ sweet treat is a cruel trick that will last a lifetime. 

As a basic white woman, I should be excited for pumpkin spice season! Hell, as a Minnesotan, I should be rehearsing my own “who knows, it may snow on halloween!” small talk, but instead, ‘spooky season’ hits too close to home. For me, it’s a grave reminder… that my parents boned.