I Lived It: My Earbud Fell Into a Planet Fitness Toilet, Now All I Hear is Rats from the Underworld
Photo by Sound On
It was 5:45pm. I came to Planet Fitness straight from work and before my weekly visit to Super Moon Buffet. Excited to try my new (sitting in a drawer for two years) earbuds, I synced them up and was ready to go. Just one (sixth) more pee and I can get shredded! I leaned over to flush and my left earbud, which wasn’t inserted all the way, dropped into the toilet and happily bobbed down the drain. Well, shit.
Now what am I going to listen to while I try to impress the guy from Five Watt Coffee while also training for the next Olympics?
At least I still had one earbud. I activated my workout playlist and jumped on a treadmill. But twenty seconds into Katy Perry’s Firework, I started to hear strange noises coming from my right earbud: rushing water then intermittent drips mixed with static. Weird. It stopped after a little bit so I continued my workout, gaining on the old dude in jeans next to me. He’s so fast! But once the song ended I heard silence. Then drip, drip, drip, scurry, scurry. What the hell?! Maybe it was the gym’s new fusion station?
I tried not to look alarmed as I sprayed down my machine. Soon the scurries turned into scratching and what sounded like tiny claws picking something up. As I stretched out on a mat, I swear I heard sniffing and licking. I jolted to glare at the guy next to me, but realized it wasn’t him. Listening closely, the licks became nibbles then a sudden crackle and a dragging sound. The dragging went on for a while but eventually it turned into soft chanting. It was calming for a time but as it grew louder, I became annoyed. What was the Wi-Fi password?
I re-connected the other earbud. The chants were gone (yay!) but I could make out a tiny voice, “Eeet isss teeem. Weee will riiise ageeen.” (snarfle, lick, gnaw) Then tiny fists pounding and gravelly cheers.
The voice grew shriller. “Weee have leeeved too long in seeecret. Weee will bring the daaark above so they know ourrr agoneee, but also blisss.” Hmm, tiny Cenobites? “Wheeen the half-mooon reflects on the darrrrk poool ageeen, weee will riiise and breeeng our gifts abovvve!” (Eek, eek, eek!) Leeet usss celebraaate!” Then I heard rising applause followed by more gnawing and a lively song of revelry. I hoped they weren’t sacrificing someone and that they were being nice to my earbud.
Now what? Do I tell the employee at the desk that rats from down below may be plotting our demise, or hybridization?
In the end, I didn’t do anything. It definitely gets irritating, not being able to hear anything but them. In between their constant celebrations and feasts on garbage, I have to hear King Tnedor the Scoz training the rats for battle. But I have learned a lot about their government. And their music is pretty banging.
Catherine Hansen started contributing to The Nordly in 2019. In December 2022, she created the audio play Innkeeping for Blight Christmas III podcast. In August 2022, Catherine debuted a new story The Great Room for Wordslingers Way at CONvergence. She is currently developing some comedy sketches, plays, screenplays, and digital experiences. More of her work can be found here: https://minnesotaplaylist.com/talent/catherine-hansen