Idiot Minnesota Sports Fan Simultaneously Destroys Twins and Vikings Seasons by Expressing Teensy Bit of Joy
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio
PROCTOR — 2024 was shaping up to be a positive season for both the Minnesota Twins and the Minnesota Vikings. The Twins had the best record in baseball since an abysmal 7-13 start, and the Vikings finally had a franchise quarterback in J.J. McCarthy who was looking strong in the preseason. But then, just as both teams were poised for possible postseason success, Proctor resident Keith Hardy fucked it all completely up.
“I just told my buddies at the Keyboard Lounge that it felt pretty good to have some optimism about the boys,” said Hardy, gulping down three dollar pitchers of Pabst on a recent Friday afternoon. “Next thing I know, BOOM! Half the Twins are slapped on the IR, then J.J. blows out his knee. I mean, what the hell?!”
Being a diehard Minnesota sports fan, Hardy should have known better.
“I heard that little tiny burst of joy, and we can’t have that,” chuckled God, sitting in the corner booth behind Hardy, sipping a Holy Screwdriver. “Not in Minnesota. So, I waved a couple of fingers—pretty standard bodily injury stuff, certainly no parting of the Red Sea—and poof. Let the despair descend.”
“I know better now,” said Hardy. “Still, did you see how good the Lynx are playing right now—SHIT!”
“Nature is healing,” God said, waggling a middle finger. “Unlike Correa’s right foot.”
Brian Matuszak has been trying to make Duluth funny for 35 years now through the writing, directing, performing and producing of live sketch comedy revues, as well as scripted plays. His current theater company, Rubber Chicken Theater, will be celebrating their 15th birthday in 2023. He also wrote a weekly humor column for the Budgeteer News, creating nearly 400 columns over seven years. He can be found on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook (@rchickentheater). His interests include geocaching, time with family, and singing along loudly and proudly to Barry Manilow, not necessarily in that order.