ANOKA, MN — The people of Anoka were shocked and dismayed today when a snowman with a insufferable personality came to life and wreaked havoc across the community. The incident began innocently enough when a group of schoolchildren discovered a discarded fedora while building a snowman during recess. When they put it atop their creation, the evidently enchanted hat caused the snowman to miraculously spring to life. At first, the children were delighted but the mood quickly deteriorated.
The kids attempted to name him ‘Olaf’ but the snowman laughed derisively, saying Frozen is blatant feminist propaganda with serious third act problems. He then suggested, in a horrifically overwrought Japanese accent, that he be dubbed “Orokana kankōkyaku” which he claimed meant “cool and handsome warrior”. Note: A cursory google search reveals the phrase roughly translates to “stupid tourist”.
The incredibly disagreeable snowman then set out wandering around the school grounds, sarcastically asking children if they even knew who Sam Harris is. “He really sucked”, said 12 year old witness Billy Booker, “we asked him to give us the hat back and he started yelling about how he’s not balding but even if he was its only because he thinks so much about philosophy”.
The snowman eventually meandered off school property and down Main Street, causing traffic jams and challenging passers-by to debates. “I tired to be nice and said ‘nice hat!’,” recalled bystander Sally Simmons, “but that just set him off on an absolute tirade about the difference between trilbys and fedoras”. When someone threatened to call the police, the button nosed nuisance loudly declared “You can’t arrest me! I’m a Libertarian!”
After three excruciating hours, the situation finally came to an end when heroic shop owner Barb Branson lured the universally loathed snowman into her antique shop. From inside the store, Branson shouted “Look! A sale on vintage Japanese erotica!”, which caused the snowman to drop his corn cob pipe in excitement and hop as fast as he could inside the establishment. Branson then shut the door behind him and drastically turned up the heat..