Mom Hands Son Five Dollars, Deadly Virus To Drop Into Collection Plate

ANDOVER — Just as the lights dimmed and soothing offering music began to play during the second service of LifeBridge Evangelical Church in Andover, devoutly Christian mother Jane Price, 34, handed her lovable little scamp Dylan, 7, five dollars and a few hundred particles of the novel coronavirus to drop in the collection plate when it passes by.

“I always give Dylan some tithing money because it makes him feel like a grown up,” said Price, completely unaware a virus is currently coursing through her body and is now being passed from person to person like communion wine. “I love seeing his face light up when the plate comes near. He just loves giving!”

Upon receiving the five dollars, Dylan puffed his chest out and nodded earnestly, fully accepting his solemn duty to see that it—and a handful of dangerous pathogens his mother contracted five days prior while listening to a friend of a friend pitch a multi-level-marketing scheme—finds its way to the front of the church.

“I hope it goes to someone to someone who needs it,” said wide-eyed young Dylan. “Like a kid who doesn’t get any Christmas presents or an old person like my grandma,” he added, just as an 83-year-old woman a pew in front of him started touching her face.