Saint Cloud Mayor: ‘We’re Making Saint Cloud Into Megalopolis’

SAINT CLOUD — Nearly vibrating with enthusiasm, Saint Cloud mayor Dave Kleis announced in an impromptu speech today that he intends to “solve all of St. Cloud’s problems by turning it into the Midwest’s first Megalopolis”. 

“We’ll start by bulldozing Crossroads Center Mall and replacing it with a bunch of cool moving walkways,” said Kleis, who hasn’t stopped talking about the Francis Ford Coppola film since he saw it in theaters over the weekend, “and then we’ll fill Heritage Park with a bunch of ball-shaped vehicles that will solve poverty somehow.”

When reporters asked whether Kleis had access to ‘megalon’, the near-magical building material featured in the film, he evaded the question and reportedly lashed out by repeatedly yelling “the future is now!”

Multiple sources say Dave has been seen walking around city hall the last couple days wearing a toga, carrying around a slew of architectural tools, and pretending he has the ability to stop time.

Despite Kleis’s enthusiasm, not everyone in city government is on board with the plan. “His ideas are strange and unorthodox”, said city council member Carol Lewis, “the man needs to get his head out of the clouds and stick to the status quo!”

At press time, a massive, decommissioned Soviet satellite had crashed directly into St. Cloud’s downtown.