7 New Years Resolutions That Don’t Involve Grafting Four Metal Arms To Your Back, Hunting Down Spider-Man

Original photo by ~Ealasaid~

Resolutions are hard to keep- You make a New Year’s resolution to surgically attach four 24-foot titanium tentacles to your back so you can squash that webbed menace, the so-called “friendly neighborhood Spider-Man”, but by the time February rolls around, he’s bested you in combat and you’ve been locked in a secret prison on an unnamed island in the Pacific. It’s happened to the best of us.

Surveys have shown that 80% of resolutions fail by the third week! The number one reason? Setting overly ambitious goals. Science tell us if you want to succeed you have to set clear and attainable goals for yourself and that means building up to your eventual murder of Spider-Man as revenge for all he’s taken from you instead of tackling it all at once. Here are seven simpler New Years resolutions ideas:

Eat Healthier
Eating healthier doesn’t have to mean being miserable – it just means being more aware of what you’re putting into your body. For instance, you could cut out red meat from your diet. Just make sure you’re getting enough protein from other foods so you’ll be in tip-top shape when it’s finally time to break Spidey’s back over your knee in front of a baying crowd of super criminals you’ve broken out of an insane asylum. 

Personally, I started drinking a glass of glowing green serum that I found in a dumpster outside the Oscorp Industries lab every morning and I’m never looking back! (Figuratively. Not literally- as I’ve since grown a fully functioning eye on the back of my head that can shoot plasma.)

Journal Everyday
Nothing nourishes the mind like writing. Making a plan to journal a little every day is worthwhile and achievable no matter your schedule. I made this pledge in 2019 and have since written the phrase “Death to the webhead” over and over again in a notebook for at least six and a half hours every night. Granted I haven’t needed to sleep since I was electrified in a freak eel/lightning accident, but even 15 minutes of journaling can do wonders!

Graft Four Metal Arms To Your Back But Just Use Them To Do House Work
If you’re anything like me, living in a messy environment with clothes piling up on the bed can get you feeling down. Making a detailed housework schedule and also grafting four metal arms to your back and using them to do multiple tasks at once can be a real lifesaver. After the work is done, you can even treat yourself by hunting down Spider-Man for an hour on Sunday evenings.

Learn A New Language
These days, there are tons of online tools to help you learn a new language and have fun while you’re doing it! At the end of the year, successfully navigating a conversation in Spanish or French can make you feel almost as accomplished as tearing the mask off that troublesome wall-crawler and finally staring into the face of the man whose negligent use of webbing in downtown New York caused the car accident that killed your parents.

Graft Four Metal Arms To Your Back And Hunt Down Some Other Guy Who’s Not Spider-Man
This is a great option because hunting down and fighting people who are not Spider-Man is substantially easier. Perhaps you could try to find out who the Zodiac Killer is? He’s almost certainly dead by now so a physical confrontation is off the table but with four metal arms, you can type things into google on six different laptops, speeding up your search immensely. 

Start Doing Yoga
Yoga is the perfect activity because it strengthens the body, mind, soul, and whatever cybernetic implements you’ve fused to your skeleton. Nothing makes you feel more in touch with the universe than stretching yourself into weird shapes. And being flexible could potentially help in one day suggestively sauntering up to Spider-Man and lowering his defenses via sexual distraction. Plus, going to yoga classes is a great way to possibly meet five accomplices to form some sort of “sinister six”.

Graft Five Metal Arms To Your Back And Hunt Down Spider-Man
Hey, yeah. That might actually work…