Aging Sea Captain Enraged To Find Old Navy Sells Nothing He Needs


Bloomington, MN — Mall of America security was called last week after Captain Seamus McGinty roared at the realization that the Old Navy had none of the provisions he was seeking.

According to eyewitness reports, at first sight of half-priced High-Rise Thermal Rockstar Super Skinny Jeans the old seadog bellowed “bloody hell!”, shook his fist in the air, and began knocking over mannequins with his peg leg. Panic ensued in the two-floor retailer causing customers to flee for their lives and savings.

“He cornered me next to our graphic Tees and sweaters,” explained Old Navy team member, Blake Mitchem. “He was all like, ‘It took me a half-hour to anchor me vessel at your dock and I’m not seeing a single length of rope!’ which at first I thought he meant our raw rope belt, which is 20% off at checkout, but I think he meant like actual rope.”

He did mean actual rope. Captain Seamus McGinty, the grizzled sea captain of the spice trading vessel The Shanty Walker, had apparently just returned from a voyage to Bangladesh. McGinty refused to buy provisions for his next journey in Asia as he had mistakenly heard there was a popular Old Navy in the Colonies.

“He was really strong, had a pipe in his mouth, and smelled like old spices,” explained Officer Benitez of the Bloomington Police. “When we arrived we asked him to calm down but he kept pointing to the rainbow leggings and screaming, ‘Do you have a single thick wool peacoat? And why don’t I see an orange anywhere? Aye, I’ll be losing half me teeth to scurvy, I will!’ So of course I tased him.”

The agitated maritime veteran was momentarily stunned by the taser but then quickly revitalized himself thanks to he rage-inducing sight of a baby hoodie with the words “Girl Power”.  Body-cam video shows the captain rising-up and declaring, “This be the most pitiful excuse of a naval supply store I’ve ever seen!” right before he knocking out Officer Benitez with his sextant.

Captain Seamus was last seen exiting the shop carrying a bag of Soft-Washed Thermal Crew-Neck Tees.