Based on Mandible Size, Paul Bunyan Was Likely a Scavenger

Photo by Nejones1987

MINNEAPOLIS — In an exclusive interview, Dr. Gordon Paxton, Professor of Paleontology at the University of Minnesota, shared the results of a controversial study which concluded that, contrary to popular belief, Paul Bunyan was almost certainly a scavenger.

“I know we all like to think of Paul Bunyan as the ferocious apex predator we know from children’s books and rural roadside attractions,” a visibly flustered Dr. Paxton explained, “but just look at the angle length on this mandible,” he continued, lifting a plaster skull from his desk. “You think the masseter muscle attached to that is strong enough to bite through a Balsam Fir? Not a chance.”

“I don’t care if it’s not cool!” Dr. Paxton continued, unprompted.  “I don’t like the idea of our beloved regional folk hero stuffing his face into a rotten tree stump any more than the next person, but we have to follow the facts!”

In an unprecedented move, the Department of Paleontology recently voted to censure Dr. Paxton, saying in an associated statement:

“As an academic institution our highest devotion is to the truth, and we encourage the free intellectual exploration of all of our scholars. However, it is the unwavering position of this department that if you were a lone Sugar Maple sapling separated from the herd in an old-growth deciduous forest, Paul Bunyan would absolutely hunt you down and tear you to shreds with his bare hands.”

When asked about the department’s statement, Dr. Paxton insisted he was being targeted for his unpopular views.

“Listen, I love Minnesota, okay?” Dr. Paxton declared in exasperation. “This is not good,” he continued, pacing the length of his office. “Next week I’m scheduled to be on Kare 11 arguing that Paul Bunyan reproduced asexually!”