Covid’s Mental Health Toll: 1 in 4 Millennials Report Having Thoughts of Kissing the Sexy Green M&M in Last Six Months

A study released this week from the Pew Research Center has shed new light on the extent of  the mental health repercussions of the COVID-19 pandemic among millennials. A startling one in four people aged 23 to 38 reported having had thoughts of kissing the sexy green M&M at some point in the last six months – the highest percentage ever recorded.

“Long periods of social isolation can cause or exacerbate depression and anxiety. That’s to be expected” said clinical psychologist Gabrielle Stamp, “but when a person is so starved for human touch, they start to fantasize about absolutely going to town on the soft succulent lips of the sexy green M&M, that’s when we start to worry.”

The survey, conducted on a group of 5,200 millennials nationwide, also found that 16.3% said they’d had thoughts of taking the sexy green M&M ice skating in New York’s Central Park, driving her home, being invited in for tea, and eventually leaning in for a goodnight kiss but at the last minute pulling back, fearing the strength of their feelings. 

12.7% had thoughts of giving a relaxing non-sexual foot massage to the sexy green M&M after coming home from work and finding her exhausted from taking care of their newborn child. 

A staggering 42.9% said they’d had feelings of kissing the brown M&M, who is also sexy and has glasses.

“We are dealing with a mental health epidemic on top of the coronavirus pandemic and that is very scary,” said sociologist Dr. Benjamin Quinn. “Especially because we still don’t know about the long term societal effects of millions of people daydreaming about waking up next to the sexy green M&M, kissing her softly on the cheek, and whispering ‘morning sleepyhead’ after a mind-blowing night of passionate lovemaking”

Experts worry the sudden uptick in patients feeling like kissing the sexy green M&M could overwhelm the nation’s mental health professionals. 

“There are only so many doctors who are qualified to treat the most extreme cases,” said CDC policy advisor Terence Daly, “I’ve even heard of some offices being so overwhelmed, they’ve had to resort to simply throwing a bucket of cold water on patients wanting to kiss the sexy green M&M and sending them home”.

Mental health professionals say that if you or a loved one have had thoughts of kissing, hugging, or being the little spoon to the sexy green M&M, it’s important to seek help. However, you’ve had thoughts of kissing the yellow M&M (whose ‘thing’ is that he’s a cowardly moron), you are entirely beyond saving.