Whether your dad is complaining that they only give post-game interviews to Fiala and never to Dolla Dolla Bill Kirill, searching flights from Minneapolis to Novokuznetsk, or hanging around Kramarczuk’s in hopes of orchestrating a meet-cute, you are likely concerned that your dad will soon attempt to leave your mom for Minnesota Wild rookie superstar Kirill Kaprizov. Here are some ways to keep your dad from leaving your mom for Kirill the Thrill:
Call him out.
Start by saying, “You sure like Kaprizov, huh?” Your dad may be so embarrassed that you caught him expressing human emotion that he never watches hockey again.
Scare him with the facts.
Remind your dad that he’ll have to learn a whole new alphabet if he wants to understand Russian. This will send his head spinning.
Highlight the qualities your mom has that Kaprizov doesn’t.
Kaprizov will not be impressed by your dad’s story about the game-winning goal he made in ‘79. Meanwhile, your mom will always listen to his high school hockey stories with a “Wow! That must’ve been so exciting for you boys!” once the story concludes.
Hire a hawk to land on your deck. Have the hawk wink at your mom. Your dad will think the hawk is really cool but will not like that it winked at his wife. He will become very conflicted. This will consume all of his time.
Edit captions over a Kaprizov interview that read, “I’m Kirill, and I think that Bob Dylan is a bad songwriter. Also, nice lawns are stupid and car washes are pointless.” Simply show this video to your dad for immediate relief.
There you have it. With these easy steps you can stop your dad from irrevocably destroying your family with his passionate love for Kirill Kaprizov. Next mission: make sure that he doesn’t fall for Jordan Greenway.