ST. PAUL — A frantic-sounding former Governor Jesse Ventura called Tim Walz at approximately 11 PM last night to remind him not to touch the cardboard box labeled “tiny cave man” that’s been sitting in the freezer of the Governor’s residence since he left office in 2003.
“Hey Tim, you haven’t touched that… uh… chicken parmesan I left in the freezer, right?”, asked Ventura, according to a transcript of the call obtained by The Nordly, “that chicken parm is incredibly valuable and if it thaws too fast, it WILL get disoriented and freak the fuck out and hit you with its big-ass club, I mean – it will… go bad and… uh… taste funny.”
“I asked him if he meant the cardboard box clearly labeled ‘tiny cave man’ that has what appears to be a child’s drawing of a caveman on it in sharpie,” said Walz. “And he acted all surprised and said that must be a typo and it’s supposed to say ‘tiny cave chicken’ because it’s a special type of mini chicken parm that is cooked in a cave to ‘maintain flavor’ and also that the drawing of a caveman is actually pretty good and that I obviously don’t ‘understand art’. It was all very exhausting. There is definitely a small frozen caveman in my freezer. I’ve come to terms with that.”
Walz expressed surprise that Ventura would even feel the need to remind him not to touch the box because the ominous but clunky phrase ‘remember not to re-thaw the tiny cave man again’ is carved into the walls of the mansion in numerous locations, which curators date to the early 2000s. Walz also explained that upon moving into the residence in 2019, Mark Dayton looked him in the eyes with a horrible look of pure fear and said “for God’s sake, Tim, don’t ever thaw Ventura’s tiny caveman”.
During the nearly 45 minute call, Ventura explained that he had found the “chicken parmesan” frozen in the Siberian permafrost during a secret expedition there in 2000.
At press time, Walz realized he’d forgotten to close the freezer door after opening it while on the phone but when he went to close it, the box had disappeared without a trace.