WHITE BEAR LAKE — After three months of summer, 34-year-old Deborah Murphy stepped outside to gaze at the changing leaves and then proceeded to go apeshit. Murphy, who has lived in the same midwestern town with a stable temperate climate for over thirty years reportedly freaked the fuck out when she saw the yellow, orange, and predictably red leaves.
“When we first started dating, I thought her love of fall was sweet,” commented husband Carl.
“We’d build bonfires and drink apple cider. But as the years have progressed things have… escalated.”
At the sight of the first fall colors, Murphy was seen taking pictures of the foliage on her iPad by the hundreds with a single tear rolling down her face as she muttered “it’s sweater weather.”
Friends and family later expressed concern after Murphy posted seven facebook posts a day with messages like “WHO’S GOING TO THE APPLE ORCHARD WITH ME?” and “I NEED A HAYRIDE BUDDY”. Her Facebook page also included a disturbing amount of memes of the Minions from Despicable Me with captions like “Mama’s gotta have her Pumpkin Spice Latte!”
Concerned neighbors called the police Friday afternoon on Murphy, who has a PhD in Environmental Science and knows full-well how fall works, after witnessing her steal their bagged leaves from the curb.
“It’s not like we were using them or anything. It’s yard waste. But, she dumped them back out where I had just raked and stuck a homemade sign in the lawn reading ‘Leaves, Not Goes,’ Mr. Dublinsky told reporters. “She does this crap every year. I used to burn my leaves, but after coming home to a homemade pumpkin pie on my doorstep with an anonymous letter threatening the death of my family if I destroyed any more of God’s no-longer-green gifts, I decided to let waste management take care of it.
The police report shows Deborah denied all allegations of theft and badgered the officers by questioning their intention to disturb Carpo, the Greek Goddess of the harvest, on such a beautiful, crisp, 65-degree day. The police only took Murphy into custody after she threw a mug of hot apple cider with cinnamon spice in one officer’s face for asking if Carpo condoned theft.
“It’s all part of the job,” Officer Callahan stated. “We go through the same routine every October with these people. We call ‘em frequent fliers.”