Man With Location-Enabled iPhone Worried About Microchipped Vaccine

WHITE BEAR LAKE —  As people begin receiving the COVID-19 vaccines that will end the pandemic, one man has bravely raised concerns about taking a drug from pharmaceutical giants such as Pfizer and Moderna, despite allowing Apple to track his every move through location data. 

“I saw on Facebook that Bill Gates put microchips in it! They’re gonna track all the true patriots and mind control our kids into dyeing their hair green,” said Doug Hassell. 

Hassell’s iPhone 8 currently has location and data services enabled for Facebook, Instagram,  TikTok, Waze, Google Maps, Google Search, Netflix, and inexplicably, a spider solitaire app developed by a company in Saudi Arabia. Other members of Hassell’s family share similar concerns. 

“Microchips in the vaccine is a certain fact, as far as I’m concerned, And I’m not going to let the government infringe on my freedom,”said Hassell’s wife, who was posting selfies to Snapchat with a neighborhood-specific filter. “Not to mention all the harsh chemicals they put in the damn things, it could cause brain damage,”

Luckily for the Hassell clan, they likely will have plenty of time to weigh the risks of taking a vaccine. Vaccines are being deployed to first responders and high-risk individuals in early 2021, and ordinary citizens can expect to be waiting until at least early summer.