ST. PAUL — Despite having downed a calming mug of hot chamomile and dressing in his comfiest PJs, St. Paul mayor Melvin Carter is reportedly still wide awake at 3 AM, tossing and turning, worried about the day local satire website The Nordly will inevitably turn on him.
“Up until now, The Nordly has mostly left me alone but I just know that it’s only a matter of time until I’ll slip up and am caught in their crosshairs,” thought Carter as he restlessly changed sleeping positions several times, “I fear my enchanting smile and pleasant demeanor can only shield me for so long.”
Carter has reportedly been trying to calm himself for the last several minutes by listing the ways his situation is different than that of fellow Twin Cities mayor Jacob Frey, whose ineptitude The Nordly has relentlessly mocked for months. Carter especially fixated on the fact that unlike Frey, he’s actually from Minnesota, doesn’t look like if Justin Trudeau was a toddler, and isn’t constantly praising law enforcement entirely unprompted.
“In a lot of ways, though, I’m closer to Jacob than I’d like to admit. I supported Operation Safety Net and can sometimes be just as trusting of the police as Frey. I even cleared a homeless encampment in Kellogg Mall Park,” worried Carter, reaching towards his nightstand for a second 5 mg dose of melatonin, “all it’ll take is one viral video of me looking dismissive of protestors or an out-of-touch tweet, and I’ll be The Nordly’s new favorite hobby horse.”
“Come on, Melvin, you got this. You. Are. Not. Jacob,” Carter repeated to himself while rocking rhythmically in the fetal position.
At press time, Carter had started trying to count sheep but had to stop because sheep made him think of wool and wool made him think of fleece and fleece made him think of how The Nordly’s April 20th article “Mayor Frey Rifling Through Closet of Performance Fleeces to Find Which One Best Conveys That He is Listening and Learning” could just as easily be about him with only minor alterations.