New Hope Woman Ironically Has No Hope in 2024

Photo by Liza Summer

NEW HOPE — With the calendar flipping to January, many Minnesotans are gathering positive thoughts and optimistic energy to help them prepare for the new year. New Hope city councilor Allison Johnson, however, is not one of them. At last week’s council meeting, the newly elected New Hope councilor revealed, ironically, that she has no hope for the coming year whatsoever.

“What’s there to get excited about?”, she lamented during her opening remarks. “We’ve got ancient retreads running for President, grocery and gas prices are skyrocketing, and have you seen our new state flag?! What’s the point of anything?”

Afterwards, New Hope city councilor Richard Moen, normally an upbeat and cheerful person, had to agree with his colleague’s mountainous piles of pessimism. “She made it abundantly clear that 2024’s gonna blow. I mean, look at the Vikings, for fuck’s sake!”

Councilor Johnson shared that her first piece of legislation will be to introduce a resolution at next month’s meeting aiming to rename the town to better reflect the newfound hopelessness that has gripped this Minneapolis suburb of 22,000.

“New Hope is going to become Suck Town,” said Johnson. “And I’d like to move quickly before Brooklyn Center nabs it.”