Opinion: Why My Goat, Malzibog, Devourer of Souls, Harbinger of Eternal Damnation, Deserves a Blue Ribbon at This Year’s Fair

ST. PAUL — As the mere mortal judges of Minnesota animal husbandry begin their annual slog to the Great Minnesota get together, I implore them to reckon with the impending reaping of their living flesh and bestow the blue ribbon to my goat, Malzibog, Devourer of Souls, Harbringer of Eternal Damnation. 

Not only can Malzibog grind the bones and eviscerate the entrails of all those who dare to resist the will of almighty Lucifer beneath his cloven hooves, he is also a little cutie guy whose beard is actually coming in really good this year.  

While the hellish caprine menace Malzibog breaks his fast with brimstone and sates his thirst with the blood of innocents, he has found time apart from his nefarious apocalyptic purpose to take his vitamins to make sure his coat is really shiny and horns grow in evenly. 

Beware ye judges of beasts, beware you insolent bestowers of earthly prizes! Those who dare deny the demonic domination of the great goat Malzibog, who may punt your decapitated head into the eternal suffering of Perdition without eyelid passing over his great rectangular pupils. Also, it would mean a lot to us because he’s a really great goat. Award him your silken indigo talisman or suffer his wanton wrath!