Sick! Pervert Jack-O-Lantern Begging to Be Eaten by Squirrels

MINNEAPOLIS — A jack-o-lantern in South Minneapolis is almost too horny, neighbors claim, leading to a strange situation on a small section of Nokomis Avenue.

Larry the jack-o-lantern has been vocal about his desires ever since he was placed on his stoop Wednesday afternoon. Once night fell, the pumpkin was heard moaning and aggressively soliciting surrounding wildlife. Neighbors have no doubts about what he wants.

“Yesterday night I’m just listening to Larry yelling, ‘I’m so horny and the only thing I want is to be eaten by squirrels!’” said neighbor Emily Wilks. “He’s really a cool pumpkin but he is also probably too horny about getting eaten, I think.”

Nearby squirrels have, for their part, been intrigued by the pumpkin but have not taken him up on his offer. “None of us are really into that,” said one squirrel, “I mean he’ll get eaten eventually but we’re all kind of waiting until he’s, um, not asking for it.”

Carver of Larry, Erin Winger, says she doesn’t understand why the pumpkin is exhibiting this behavior.

 “It’s just a pumpkin with a normal pumpkin face. I didn’t intend him to be so, so horny and kinky,” she said.

Ultimately, until the season is over and Larry is composted or until the squirrels decide to take him up on his offer, there doesn’t seem to be any stopping this unusual erotic situation.