Well, this sucks. St Cloud grocery worker Drew Collins, 30, thought he’d take the weed gummy he’d been saving and have a chill night watching the first Nicholas Cage movie that popped up on Netflix but fate had other plans and now he’s stuck in a spiral of existential terror thinking about what happens to frogs in the winter.
Forty minutes after ingesting the THC, while preparing a bowl of Honey Smacks cereal – whose mascot is a frog, Collins started thinking about the last time he’d seen a one in real life.
“Wait, what even happens to frogs in the winter anyway?” thought Collins. “Do they just freeze in ice like Encino Man? Because…fuck”.
After what felt like a half-hour of standing there slack-jawed in the kitchen thinking about what it’d be like to slowly freeze solid while remaining conscious, Collins then thought maybe frogs go south or build a “winter house” but he ultimately decided that was stupid and that he’s stupid and unlovable for thinking it.
“Maybe frogs grow fur all of a sudden on the first day of winter – so quickly that it makes a sound when the fur comes out of its back?” thought Collins, “Or could they revert back to tadpoles when it’s cold? Is that a thing?”
The mental image of thousands of tadpoles wriggling around in a tiny pocket of liquid water underneath a frozen lake then came to Collins and so disturbed him, he started pacing around and rubbing his face, completely forgetting about his cereal.
At press time, Collins was sitting cross legged on the floor and staring into space thinking about hundreds of frogs grinding on each other to generate heat in a secret underground cave like the rave scene from The Matrix: Reloaded.