Walz Vows to Use Federal Aid to Build ‘Bigger Better AutoZone’

ST. PAUL—On 7/11, the federal government denied Minnesota’s request for aid to rebuild Minneapolis in the wake of the uprisings triggered by the police killing of George Floyd. Governor Tim Walz sent a new proposal, vowing that he would not abandon his state and get the community what it truly wants: a bigger, better AutoZone.

“We now understand that giving aid to help rebuild local businesses is really just a roadblock on the way to real progress” Walz remarked via Zoom.

“Our plan now is to build back up the true victims of this moment: the Lake Street AutoZone. We want to reassure all of our out-of-town investments that the death of your business by the nefarious Umbrella Man will not be in vain. We plan to replace not only that location, but to put up new locations on every corner of Minneapolis, complete with an adjacent Wendy’s.

When reporters asked about Minnesota’s plan to reopen schools in the fall despite the growing number of confirmed COVID-19 cases, Walz responded by shouting “Affordable brake pads as far as the eye can see!”

The Governor concluded the press conference with a moment of silence for the auto parts lost during the fire.