300 Brave, Shirtless DNR Officers Defend Mille Lacs From Invading Horde Of Drunk Ice Fisherman

Original photo by Lorie Shaull

Despite being vastly outnumbered, three hundred of the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources’ bravest, most muscular officers are currently standing down a ferocious horde of drunk ice fishermen threatening to overrun Mille Lacs Lake.

The valiant and totally shredded officers have formed a phalanx 30 men wide and 10 men deep and are hoping to strike fear into the hearts of the drunken swarm of 1,000s of fishermen 40 yards away by beating their brawny, liberally oiled chests and banging their standard issue shields on the icy ground.

“For honor! For glory” shouted the officers in unison, the sun shining off their dazzling pecs, “For the management and conservation of Minnesota’s natural resources!”

The fishermen’s fearsome leader, Bruce Lundberg, is sporting dozens of red-and-white bobber-shaped body piercings and an intimidating forehead tattoo of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes peeing on a “no fishing” sign. He is reportedly leading his comrades from a makeshift throne built into the bed of a Ford F-150.

“If we make it to Mille Lacs, you can be assured we will take home every bass no matter what size, drive trucks on the ice without even checking for thickness, and leave High Life cans EVERYWHERE,” Lundberg wrote in a taunting email to the DNR last week. 

The DNR responded with a single word: “If”.

“Our children will tell of this glorious day for generations to come! For this is the day we make our final stand against the barbarians seeking to abuse our state’s natural resources! Tonight we dine in Hades!” yelled DNR’s head officer Georgios Stephanidis to embolden his men, “unless we survive, in which case, let’s meet up later at the nearest Famous Dave’s.”