4 Valentines That Say, ‘I Am Obligated By The Social Contract To Give This To You’

Valentine’s Day is upon us, and we all can’t wait to give out cards to those special people in our lives that we hold dear! While everyone expresses their love differently, at the end of the day these four cards all mean the same thing: I Felt Obligated To Get You This.  

  1. The Overly Ornate One 
    You’re not normally a showy guy with your love. You prefer acts of service and quality time spent over flashy displays or loud proclamations of love. However, it is Valentine’s Day, and you’ve been told your whole life that Valentine’s Day is for big, profound gestures of romantic love. The card you picked out is perfumed, gold embossed has calligraphy on the front and a 16 line poem printed on the inside. So while you may trip over your words most days of the year, this one says it all for you. And what it says is, “I feel great external pressure to showcase my love for you with this decorated piece of cardstock.” 
  2. The Card Leftover From Your Child’s Classroom Pack 
    Shoot! Your coworker is always really good about getting holiday trinkets for everyone in the office, and you can’t stand to receive anything without giving something back in return. Luckily, your son has a few leftover Avengers valentines from his class’s Valentine’s project. Grab one, scrawl your name on it, tape a pink tootsie roll on it, drop it on her desk, and bam—  you’ve officially upheld your end of the social contract, no matter how confused she is when she realizes you’ve given her, a 45 year old woman, a card with a picture of the Incredible Hulk. 
  3. The One That Names A Specific Family Member
    Your stepdaughter just turned fourteen, and boy, can you feel that teenage rage. Sure, she blames you for her parents breaking up, and has made your life hell every other weekend for the past two years, but you can’t NOT get her a card. So go to Target, scan the cards for the one that says, “Hey Stepdaughter! Happy V-Day!” in hot pink on the front, throw a $10 bill in there for good luck and call it a day. Your wife can’t say anything when your stepdaughter rolls her eyes and stomps up to her room, because technically, you tried. 
  4. The Card Designed For Couples Really Going Through It 
    The inside reads, “To my love—  we may have our differences. We may quarrel, we may disagree, we may spend weeks without speaking to each other. Resentment grows quietly between us like a garden soaking up the sun. But I know that I am bound to you as you are bound to me no matter what—  because that’s what it means to be in love.” This is a great option if you’re trying to buy time while you figure out the best way to break your shared lease.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy some seasonal chocolate — we’ve got you covered when it comes to obligatory Valentine’s cards!