‘Big Business’ Announced As Minnesota Lawmakers’ Person Of The Year

Scrappy underdog and overall darling to those whose love language is tax write-offs, Big Business has been named Minnesota Lawmakers Collective’s Person of the Year by unanimous vote.

The collective’s spokesperson, career politician Slone Slawson gave remarks at a virtual luncheon for the awards. “As Big Business is treated more like a person every day, it makes sense to give it this very human award,” she shared, adding that they awarded Big Business the win for “its resilience in sustaining the status quo when agitators demanded outlandish changes such as ‘fairness’ and ‘equity’”.

A representative for Big Business, Whyte Manderson, accepted the award on behalf of the entity. Manderson expressed that this was “an aspirational dream” for Big Business everywhere. “Big Business does everything a good lawmaker should, from creating obscure rules to enforce the status quo to utilizing language so complex that only people on the inside can navigate it successfully.”

The Minnesota Lawmaker’s Collective stated that this was the easiest decision that they made all year. 

The Lawmakers and Big Business have a long history of working together. Past collaborations have included various bailouts, savage takedowns of family-owned companies, and most recently, reopening service industry jobs to endanger their employees as they serve eggs benedict to people who “left their mask at home”.This will be Big Business’ 15th consecutive win – winning the recognition every year the Collective has existed.