Nothing brings on more winter blues than looking outside and seeing nothing but gray skies and slushy, muddy streets. As the short days and long nights of winter stretch into oblivion, we start to lose our faith that there is a higher power that has compassion for humanity instead of wielding us as pawns in their cruel games. However, a simple trip to your neighborhood greenhouse can offer peace of mind— Here’s our definitive list of the 5 houseplants that can be a substitute for the warmth of a loving God.
Schefflera, also known as umbrella plants, are a versatile houseplant that can be cultivated as a shrub or small tree and are quite forgiving in terms of care. Their tropical flair and deep rich color are sure to spruce up your home and prevent you from staring at a blank wall, questioning why you no longer feel any comfort in the idea that there is an omniscient God watching over us all and guiding us towards our future.
4. Aloe Vera
Aloe Vera is a classic houseplant, easy to maintain with adequate water as long as you keep it away from drafty windows and doors. Aloe can also be applied topically to soothe burns and clear acne or even ingested as a dietary supplement. So while God has cruelly taken the sun away from us for now, slather yourself in Aloe and pretend that God loves us enough to burn our flesh with the sun.
3. String of Pearls Succulent
While succulents can be tricky to keep happy, the exotic look of String of Pearls are more than worth the hassle. Their unique look is sure to spark conversation, that is if we could have conversations in our homes without fear of a deadly airborne virus set upon us like a plague, like the plagues that God set upon Egypt to remind us all that He has the power and the desire to strike all our firstborn sons dead whenever the hell He feels like it. Looks great in a hanging planter!
2. Heartleaf Philodendron
A striking plant, the Heartleaf Philodendron is sure to add a romantic flair to your humble abode. While they require lots of moisture, the Heartleaf Philodendron thrives in indirect sunlight. And remember, no matter what dark corner your Philodendron lurks in, it’s still being surveilled by a God who sees all and does absolutely jack-shit about anything.
Dracaena are inexpensive and can be particularly beautiful when grouped together, so pick up a few! At least 3. Maybe 7. No more than 15, probably. It’s just the rush, you know? You bring home a new plant, you get it repotted, you arrange it just so along the runner of your kitchen table, and it’s like. It’s like you have control. It’s like we don’t live on a spinning rock hurtling through a tiny galaxy in a universe that is more empty space than organic matter. It’s like someone is out there, making sure things go right for us. And speaking of things going right, remember to put gravel on top of the soil in your Dracaena for proper drainage. Nothing worse than plant decay, except maybe the heat decay of the universe!
So remember folks, even when you can’t feel the presence of a loving God, and the whole world feels as grim and gray as a Midwest winter, you can still find warmth in the love of a houseplant. Happy Planting!