BLOOMINGTON — The Kembleton family of Chanhassen, Minnesota has made the painfully unsurprising choice to go Black Friday shopping together, despite the hell plague decimating thousands of people that aren’t their immediate friends and family.
“It just seemed like a nice way to spend a day together,” said daughter and budding sociopath Anna Kembleton. “Sure, we might get sick, but it’s not often that we’re all able to be in the same mall.”
The Kembletons, a 4-person lineup of complete nihilists, have been seen at the viral cesspit that is the Mall of America. As to why the Kembletons have chosen to go Black Friday shopping at the largest indoor mall in the continental United States during a pandemic remains unknown.
“I’m not going to villainize people for seeing their family,” said an anonymous MOA security guard. “But this type of behavior? Well, it tests my faith.”
As they gleefully shopped, these goddamn heathens touched innumerable products after skipping the complimentary hand sanitizer posted at the entrance of the everyone store.
Later, the Kembletons were overheard complaining about the statewide-restriction against restaurant dining, eulogizing a lukewarm meal at the Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville as if it was some sanctified ritual to herald the dawn of Christmastime, and not an almost guaranteed way to put someone’s grandpa on a ventilator.
As they were exiting the mall, Mrs. Kembleton was seen suppressing a cough until she had crossed the street into the parking garage.