ANDOVER — Retiree Brandon Anderson of Andover has finally received his stimulus check and according to him it’s about damn time.
“I was watching tv when I heard about the stimulus check. I remember thinking ‘finally’,” said Anderson who retired from his job in insurance three years ago “I work hard and times are tough, if anyone’s earned free money, it’s me, not those damn Millennials,” Anderson said of the generation currently aged from 23-38, while reclining on a leather La-Z-Boy.
“These kids are soft because they were raised on all this P.C. nonsense” ranted Anderson, who has three milennial children, “You know, I once saw my daughter cry because she didn’t have enough money for school. School? How about you get a job like I did! I worked as an insurance salesman for 48 years until I was struck by a mail truck. I’ve been living off of the settlement ever since, but the important thing is that I earned it!”
Anderson said he doesn’t currently have a plan for the money but believes he will spend it better than any “crumb-bum” Millennial. “These kids just want a handout. They just don’t understand the value of a dollar like we do. Why, when I was a little boy my father would give me a dollar for mowing the lawn every week, and by the end of each summer I could buy a house. You can’t get a house off the internet, Tyler!” Anderson yelled at the family photo on the mantle of the fireplace.
Regardless of generation, the CARE act states any individual filer who has filed their taxes and makes less than $75,000 ($150,000 for married couples) a year is eligible for earning a check worth $1,200. When told this Anderson only had one thing to say:
“Get off your phone and start working like I did.”