PRINCETON — While at a casual summer cookout with his extended family, Princeton uncle Greg Hansen, 55, has been annoying everyone present by periodically bringing up his disdain for Black Lives Matter protesters despite being a man who consistently declines to state where he was between the hours of 1 and 8 PM Eastern time on Wednesday, January 6th, 2021.
“These people have no respect for law and order,” said Hansen, who responds to even friendly, non-combative inquiries into where he was during the first week of 2021 with either vague and unconvincing responses like “vacation” or inappropriately harsh retorts like “nowhere!”.
Hansen added, “I even heard protestors down in the cities were desecrating the flag!”, a concept that caused him to get so heated, he had to remove his signature leather jacket emblazoned with a US flag on the shoulder with an unsightly flaming “Q” awkwardly stamped on top of it.
“He’s been standing by the grill talking to nobody for fifteen minutes about how he can’t even go to Minneapolis anymore because its been overrun with Antifa,” said Greg’s exasperated sister Julia, “he hasn’t left Princeton in, like, eight years! Except for wherever he went in January, that is…”
At press time, Hansen was writing down a list of YouTubers that “tell it like is” to give his 15-year-old nephew, using a fountain pen with the words “Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi” written on its side.