Meet The Small Team Of Trained Mercenaries In Charge Of Protecting The Uptown McDonalds

Are you a Twin Cities business owner who wants to keep their business safe but doesnt wanna look like a complete narc? Do you own several properties in a city you’ve never even lived in? Ever wanted to be the leader of a group of people who are uncomfortably open about their desire to get away with murder? Well you’re in luck! Meet this small team of trained mercenaries – AKA “Seal Team 6-Piece McNugget” – making sure the Uptown McDonalds is not only safe, but scary as hell!

Chuck Jorgensenn, aka Goose: Chuck served 2 tours in Iraq and has been divorced the same amount of times. His favorite hobbies include weightlifting and getting into arguments on reddit. Chuck has been known to carry an AK-47 awkwardly, as well as illegally arrest members of the press without warning. 

Scott Pesconi, aka Scotty: Scotty Pesconi has committed several hate crimes, is an admin on several white supremacist forums, and is a proud Packers fan. Scott joined the mercenary team after his Bloomington army surplus store was caught in an electrical fire that he blamed on Minneapolis protesters.

Paul Stevens, aka the New Guy: Paul Stevens is a fucking dork and is in too deep to back out now and he knows it. 

Garth Jennings, aka Please Just Call Me Garth: Garth Doesn’t like getting nicknames for people with nicknames, which has caused him to have negative feelings about many Black and Brown people, as well as any White person who isn’t named Garth. He’s very skilled with a knife, and once got into a fist fight with a rapper named GJ for having the same initials as him. 

These men have all been equipped with the task of making citizens’ arrests, damaging other people’s property, but most importantly protecting the ice cream machine at the Uptown McDonalds from any and all people who don’t live in a luxury condo.