Man let me tell ya, Disney’s a buncha cowards!
So they’ve got this streaming service, right? This Disney+ thing or whatever? I mean how sustainable can those things be anyway? They must be just, like, HURTIN for content, and since I’m an ideas man, I goes up to their offices in Burbank and let myself in. I bang on that trailer with my walking stick, and talk to the guard on duty. He said his name was Mr. Disney and that I pitch everything to him. Here’s my chance, I thought – I pitch him an idea for a movie I’ve been sitting on since, like, the 90’s:
So this one dude loses his court case and as a punishment has to coach some peewee hockey in Minnesota which is full of a buncha dingus kids who can barely skate. Think of it as Bad News Bears except with hockey. No one’s ever done this before!!! I call the movie ‘Keep Your Stick To The Ground: The Hockey Team Who Eventually Murders Their Coach.’ Sure, there’s a spoiler in the title of the movie, but it’s no different from John Dies At The End, or The Man Who Would Be King, or Finding Nemo, right? Except this will be a GOOD movie. None of that swimming around aimlessly with Ellen DeGeneres talking to turtles or whatever. It’ll be two full hours of slapstick slap-stick, GET IT?! LIKE HOCKEY!!!
I had bumper stickers already made up and put ‘em on every car in the parking lot. And then I told him, “You’re welcome, Mr. Disney. Now fork over them billions.”
Mr. Disney then pulled out his walkie-talkie, which I thought he was using to call Mickey to come hand me a check, and then 6 other men dressed just like Mr. Disney came to the security stand in golf carts talking about “You got 10 seconds to get off our property before we tackle you to the ground.” I have a bum knee, so I wasn’t about to start playing football with all those Mr. Disneys, so I just walked away. I’m a bigger man, you see
Besides, the studios just aren’t brave enough to take on a movie that has actual staying power, they just wanna make The Apple Dumpling Gang a thousand times until the sun explodes. Real shame Mickey wasn’t wise to what I have to say about movies, he could learn a thing or two. I got a whole notebook full of stuff, but I’m gonna go to Paramount now and see what their Mr. Disney has to say about my ideas.