ROGERS — The Minnesota Department of Natural Resources has officially allocated the far end of the Super Target parking lot in Rogers as a protected habitat for exhausted people who just want to sit alone, eat their little snack, and cry.
“Five years ago, in order to study their movements, we tagged several emotionally burnt-out people eating string cheese and fighting back tears in their parked Honda Civics with electronic GPS sensors and released them into the wild,” said DNR Commissioner Sarah Strommen, “the information gleaned from this effort suggests that their territory is shrinking by an astounding 10% per year due to parking lot overcrowding, hence this conservation project.”
“This area has long been a haven for those at their end of their rope who just want to eat their treats in their parked car and not be looked at due to its prime location near the Target which offers their favorite sources of sustenance like cheap sushi, Sweet & Spicy mini rice cakes, and weird new brands of baked chips they’ve been meaning to try,” said DNR analyst Leo Bowers, “it is also next to a Wendy’s and an Arby’s which have frosties and roast beef sliders respectively, making it one of the most optimal terrains for exhausted lonely people in the entire state.”
The 40 x 20 ft zone will be fenced off from the general public and protected by state park rangers. A small visitor’s center will be built to showcase the natural history and biology of fatigued people who just want to eat their sea salt Popchips, cry, and not be bothered.
“One of the most essential characteristics of exhausted people eating their cute little snacks is that they do not wish to know they are being seen or perceived in any way,” said the DNR’s chief designer Alicia Gardner, “so visitors will have to view them through one of the coin-operated binoculars located at the observation deck 20 meters away.”
If the project is deemed successful, the DNR says they will expand the protected habitat to include extra parking spots for people who just want to sit alone, eat their snack, and not cry but instead listen to a fun little podcast about ghosts.