Eat Your Heart Out, Krispy Kreme: General Mills Says They’ll Let You Have One Sensual Night Alone With The Cocoa Puffs Bird If You’re Fully Vaccinated

Photo by tec_estromberg

Wow. Krispy Kremes must be feeling like total cheapskates now. 

General Mills just blew their free donut offer out of the water by announcing that if you show them a completed vaccination form, they’ll let you spend one hot and steamy night alone with Sonny the Cocoa Puffs bird where all your most salacious fantasies can be fulfilled.

“I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs but I’m also cuckoo for public health,” said Sonny in the online advert that first announced the promotion, “don’t believe me? Let me prove it to you.”

Sonny then winks at the audience and lips his beak suggestively while a list of 278 approved sex acts rapidly scroll across the screen.

This certainly sounds too good to be true. So, is there a catch?

Well, sort of…

In order to avoid any legal complications, your wild night of satisfying all your carnal urges with the Cocoa Puffs bird will have to take place in a sex den built on the deck of a barge floating 250 nautical miles off the coast of Maine, safely within international waters. While the night itself is 100% free with proof of vaccination, you’ll need to contract the services of a small lobster fishing vessel to ferry you to Sonny’s location out of pocket.

Also, since there’s just one Sonny and only so many nights in a year, you’ll have to act fast to secure a spot. General Mills says their website is already booked through June 2032!

“We asked a few of the other mascots if they want to help out so we can get through this faster but I guess they’re just too prudish,” said General Mills CEO Jeff Harmening, “however, the Trix rabbit said he’d be cool with watching and maybe throwing himself in the mix as a third if the moment feels right so that’s also on the table.”

Sounds awesome! Get out there, get vaccinated, and enjoy your free night with the Cocoa Puffs bird!