Five Cute Hats You Can Wear to Solve How the Hell You Lost Your Turtle in a Studio Apartment

MINNEAPOLIS — As you may have noticed or at least felt as you’ve accidentally exposed your ears to the cold, that hats are coming back in a BIG way! Even if you’re already covered in the winter chapeau department there are still a bunch of different cute caps to choose from like these five little detective hats you can wear to figure out how the hell you lost your turtle in a studio apartment!

1)   Traditional tartan deerstalker cap (Buffalo Exchange, $15.99)
This look is positively elementary if you’re looking for a hat that’s smart, functional and most importantly, on fashion’s case! You can say that the game is afoot when you realize your turtle Pebble isn’t in his cage. Huh, how did that happen? He’s probably pretty close by, it’s a studio apartment after all!  

2)   Velvet Newsboy cap (Rewind Vintage, $45.00)
You’ll be ready to seize the day in this luxe paper slinger’s cap. You know you’ll be the top of everyone’s story when you step out in this but first you have to retrace your steps. So you fed Pebble and you put the lid back over his cage so how the hell did he get out, he doesn’t have thumbs but wait—is that a screwdriver? How…okay and there’s a loose screw in here too, so he…did it himself? Didn’t know turtles understood how to use tools…

3)   Wide band fedora (Heimie’s Haberdashery, $70.00)
Everyone will be tipping their cap to you (no m’lady!) when you go out and strut your stuff in this timeless bit of headgear but not just yet because you gotta get to the bottom of where this guy could have gotten off to. Pebble isn’t under your bed, your couch, in the closet or behind the fridge or in any of the cabinets but wait—it’s a note: “This little rock is no longer part of your collection –P” What. The. Fuck?! Did Pebble write this? I don’t know what the hell is going on but I know he’s got to be around here somewhere!

4)   Cotton Panama hat (Chapel Hats, $52.50)
It’ll truly be adventure time when you wear this hat that is ready for any kind of action but I just can’t imagine that he could open his cage, much less the door and just walk out? It just doesn’t make any sense but—shh. Did you hear that? It sounds like it’s coming from the air vents like…like tiny footsteps? Oh my god, he’s in the air vents. Oh God, what is he playing at, what is his endgame?

5)   Traditional felt beret (Via’s Vintage, 35.00)
This charming chapeau will have everybody saying ooh la la, when they see you sashay for your phone to call Animal Control about your renegade turtle Pebble but…wait, the call can’t be completed as dialed. How can the number for Animal Control be blocked? Okay, okay stay calm, there has to be a rational explanation for this wait, a text from an unknown number, “You may have taken a Pebble but we know you can’t handle a Boulder.” 

And then you realize life will never be the same, you will have to live your life on the run, living on the margins all because you wanted to keep a turtle in your studio apartment.