MINNEAPOLIS — After getting himself in a mess even he couldn’t wriggle out of, Officer Max Strongfist, a rogue cop who doesn’t play by the rules, was ordered by the Police Chief this afternoon to stand down and turn in his badge, gun, other gun, tear gas canisters, grenade launcher, katana, flamethrower, tank, other tank, grappling hook, trebuchet, Klingon Bat’leth, and several dozen other standard-issue weapons.
“You’ve gone too far this time, Strongfist!” said police chief Medaria Arradondo, “I tolerated your unorthodox behavior for too long because – goddamit, you got results! – but now the Board is on my ass, so pack up your things – you’re through!”
“One day you’ll need a maverick like me and you’ll regret this!” said Strongfist, while begrudgingly emptying out his desk of government pistols, sawed-off shotguns, crossbows, machetes, spears, batarangs, sticks of TNT, daggers, poison-tipped arrows, flying guillotines, and framed family photos.
Then, in front of all his snickering coworkers, Strongfist was forced to call Uhaul to have them send a fleet of trucks to his house in Andover to pick up his tanks, helicopters, predator drones, anti-aircraft missiles, medieval catapults, Chu-ko-nu, and various freeze rays at his own expense.
Arradondo has confirmed that Strongfist will be allowed to keep his German shepherds, war elephant, and genetically modified jackal “Anubis” as they have significant sentimental value, despite technically being state property.
The Minneapolis Police Department says Strongfist will be paid through the rest of the year.