So it’s been two weeks since your Johnson & Johnson or second Pfizer or Moderna shot and you’re excited to begin the slow return to normalcy by attending your first in-person neighborhood Austin Powers-themed orgy in over a year! But after all that social isolation, getting back out there can seem daunting. Here’s some tips to make this first orgy since the ‘before times’ the absolute randiest yet. Yeah baby!
Use Hand Sanitizer!
While vaccination drastically reduces your chances of contracting or transmitting COVID-19, the CDC says its still a good idea to take precautions whether you’re visiting grandma or participating in a wet and sloppy no-holds barred Austin Powers-themed suck and fuck party.
While staying six feet away from others obviously won’t be possible while shagging your neighbor’s brains out, at least use hand sanitizer in between, for instance, corkscrewing a beautiful woman dressed as Mini-Me and then moving on to “getting in the belly” of a hot stud dressed as Fat Bastard.
Know Who You’re Shagging!
After a year indoors, it’s important to re-familiarize yourself with everyone who will be in attendance so you don’t commit a faux pa like asking someone how their wife is when they’ve been divorced for years while aggressively 69ing each-other.
Wipe Down Your Comically Phallic-Shaped Objects
Neighborhood Austin Powers-themed orgies traditionally involve lots of walking around the house nude while covering your penis with a comically phallic object you brought from home like a retro banana-shaped novelty telephone or a dog’s hot dog-shaped squeaky toy. It’s customary to exchange such items at the end of the evening with another attendee as a sign of goodwill. The CDC says COVID rarely transmits via surfaces but after hours of wet hot lovemaking have likely covered every inch of the house in sweat droplets, its best to wipe these objects down with a disinfecting agent before exchanging.
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TRY TO SPICE THINGS UP BY DRESSING AS ANOTHER MIKE MYERS CHARACTER LIKE SHREK OR THE LOVE GURU
It’s been over a year but you remember exactly what happened to the last person who tried that. How could you forget? The sight of it is seared into your brain. And the smell. Oh god… the smell.